I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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