i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
