now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Enjoy the penises
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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