idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
