Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
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At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
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Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.