I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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