Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
