I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.