1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
