how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
