wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
