I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
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Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
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I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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