can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
