She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
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Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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