my phone needs a breathalizer
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Randomize
