she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
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Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
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I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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