I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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