I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
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her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
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Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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