Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
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you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
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Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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