I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
