i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
