Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize