We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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