When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
