did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
