Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
