Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
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He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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