apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
