I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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