my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
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I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
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You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal