shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.