you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize