Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
