I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
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Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
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He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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