I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
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You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
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I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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