I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
