Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
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it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
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Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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