My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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