My Higher Power is John Stamos
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.