i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
