I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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