Michael Bay diarrhea
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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