woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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