Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I would ride that face into the sunset
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
