Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.