I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
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After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
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Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him