i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.