The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
