Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
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Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
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Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night