not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on