Texts From Last Night

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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I'm pants shitting drunk right now

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  (734): I'm pants shitting drunk right now http://tfl.nu/z85l
  Replies (4) Good night (961) Bad night (934)
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I can tuck mytits in my pants

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  (573): I can tuck mytits in my pants http://tfl.nu/5g26
  Replies (27) Good night (536) Bad night (2685)
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.

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  (636): It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks. (314): Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this. http://tfl.nu/u3mg
  Replies (30) Good night (4734) Bad night (691)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.

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  (503): i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean. http://tfl.nu/trho
  Replies (19) Good night (7046) Bad night (568)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi

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  (919): anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi http://tfl.nu/rjb1
  Replies (29) Good night (808) Bad night (4879)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.

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  (843): Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way. http://tfl.nu/hex7
  Replies (23) Good night (5392) Bad night (1373)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked

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  (614): hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked http://tfl.nu/5a6g
  Replies (15) Good night (1083) Bad night (4000)
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still

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  (434): At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still http://tfl.nu/1pcd
  Replies (9) Good night (1716) Bad night (3023)
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  (801): View more from Utah

  two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?

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  (801): two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me? http://tfl.nu/3spk
  Replies (10) Good night (1063) Bad night (4062)
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.

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  (319): I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him. http://tfl.nu/0zto
  Replies (16) Good night (1037) Bad night (2376)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.

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  (713): Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster. http://tfl.nu/j76u
  Replies (1) Good night (978) Bad night (461)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch

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  (248): I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch http://tfl.nu/n34v
  Replies (5) Good night (906) Bad night (364)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...

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  (412): It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down... http://tfl.nu/0wb7
  Replies (2) Good night (498) Bad night (827)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt

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  (210): How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt http://tfl.nu/wi7k
  Replies (2) Good night (619) Bad night (300)
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  (424): View more from California

  I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn

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  (424): I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn http://tfl.nu/bfkb
  Replies (3) Good night (387) Bad night (195)

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