she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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