dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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