So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.