She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
