So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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